Wednesday, January 07, 2015

not depression


I'm coming to terms with the fact that there will always be sets of cues or circumstances that will just plain rip my heart open. Yesterday was one of them. I was well enough to venture out for some provisions. Just before leaving, I missed a call on the cell. It was from someone who I haven't heard from in too long. Someone who never called me or acknowledged Jimmy's passing. It hurt then and I let it go. The missed call took me right back to square one.

After venting to my dear sister long distance, I decided that any further negativity would not serve anything. I couldn't be angry. I just didn't have the sap for it.

The outing wiped me out and I came home and crawled under the covers too sick and sad and sorry for myself to even cry. I missed Jimmy so much. His caring, his love, his concern for my well being. I have been out of reserves and running on empty. I was tired of being tough. It would be too much like work to lay down and die. The only thing that kept me going was that my grandson was coming to spend the day the next day. I was needed. And needed in shape to handle the day. So I washed my face and made a point of getting a good night's rest. Safe to say, this little scrap of life is saving mine.

Charlie was five months old on the first of the year and growing and changing while I watch. From the very first time I held him I felt my husband's love, down through our son, to this child and if no one is around, I have a little cry for myself. A joy cry.

Trouble is, I have to stop it somehow because today, Charlie caught me and I could see concern and confusion on his little face. It was quite remarkable. He almost always greets me with a smile. First comes the recognition and then, the emotion, he's happy to see me.

Now I watch him examining faces for cues before he reacts. Already he knows that it's not all about him. He's rolling over in all directions and will probably stand and walk before he's any good at crawling, just like his Daddy and his uncle. .




So after the lunch jug today, he fussed a little and I tucked him up under my chin. I can feel his whole body relax and give over to his need for rest. He heaved a sigh, patted me on the left shoulder three time, crammed his right hand into my cleavage and was asleep. I'll cry now kiddo. Quietly.

Monday, January 05, 2015

Lost Weekend Redux

Dispiriting is putting it mildly.

I don't even care enough to feel bad about it. Since midday Thursday I am simply taking up space and resources. It was only three weeks ago that I suffered a whole week of being sick. I can't tell cold from flu. It hardly matters once it's on you. If  boogers were gold I'd be rich, rich, rich.

Amazon Prime has disgorged a heap of new books that I can't open my eyes wide enough to read and this is as much as I can manage with my new wireless keyboard,  the old one dispatched by a strategically placed cat hurk.

When I finally figured out that  the new season of Downton Abby would not be airing last night (or did it?) I went back to the bed. 

I knew I couldn't read or type so the only thing I had with me was a yellow legal pad and a pencil. How much harm could I do? I wanted to think about my other novel, the one I started first. Think in organizational terms. It's no wonder the name on my Christmas stocking read “Fool”.


There was one line on the pad this morning – don't forget your purpose –   followed by a rather ominous void. I don't know if  I was writing about writing or life. I still don't and I still don't have any answers. 

But this morning I am able to take a whole breath, stand up long enough to put away some clean dishes and type this up. I'm alive and there's a mission out there somewhere. 

the sun beckoned me into the studio but the view was depressing.
studio in post holiday chaos

Thursday, January 01, 2015

to the new year

"Live in the moment, remember the past, dream for the future"

2014 was a difficult year. Necessarily transformational. There were many lows, but the highs shine the brightest.  There will be many more radical changes going forward. I've come to recognize how spoiled I was by the stability of my old life. Now, being primary caretaker for this little guy trumps all other concerns.
I am so honored and blessed.


As to working with fiber, I still just don't know.

At the very least I will be taking advantage of a glut of raw materials and be dying vintage cloth and threads for other fiber artists. Gal's gotta make a living, still.

The writing goes forward. Talk about uncharted territory! All I keep seeing about writing and publishing is - there are no RULES! Baloney.

No matter what medium you are working in you have to know the rules before you can do a good job of breaking them.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Eye surgery success



Not me, the great spotted cat.

It's been requested that a change be made. Seems like he's a little too creepy . The red color and the wonky shapes were hasty choices anyway so, no worries....something in blue maybe. And some cat whiskers.





.....Meh...


Friday, December 26, 2014

12.26.14


We waited a day so we could gather without one of us having to rush off to work. It seems like my entire working life I've had the kind of job that runs 24/7,


It never failed that for one or more holidays each year I would have to excuse myself from family gatherings to go to work - ten years as a telephone operator and another ten as a network communications technician. As of next year I will be done with that. One way or another I am finished working for the man,


Here we are gathered round. There were prezzies and feasting. Merry Christmas from the Lacativas of Lawrenceville.

Tribe Lacativa. Christmas 2014

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas closing in

I know that this time last year we all pretty much put our heads in the sand and wished the holidays away.

There was no tree, no decorations and no gifts that I recall except for this special one.

Charlie's quilt is nearly done - I have a day of grace for a little more stitching in the ditch - they won't be here for dinner until Friday so I get an extra day to clean, shop and cook!





Colin sparked the spirit in the house with a perfect little tree - nothing to excite the cats but, I think the baby will be impressed.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

wheels


Leave it to me to get emotional about the sound of an engine running.

Jake got Jim's truck going today. It's been sitting for over a year and we need it now. Jimmy was so adamant about not selling it once he was no longer able to drive. People were constantly asking if it was for sale. The answer was always, no.

Jim used be hard on vehicles. He was one of those folks who turned the radio up louder if there was a funny noise.  Things changed when he got this truck.

Jake was coming into his own as a mechanic and Jim would ask his opinion and take advice from him, probably the only mechanic he ever trusted. And so, the truck is in pretty good mechanical shape and should serve our family a few more years, with a little smart TLC. Thanks babe.

Friday, December 19, 2014

little quilts




I brought this top with me today to make sure it was the size that's needed...something to tuck up around him when he's in the baby bucket as the other ones I  made are much too large. I got carried away.

Missy proclaimed it perfect and Charlie couldn't wait to hurk on it and cuddle it. The boy has my appreciation for raucous colors. Now to get it away from him when I leave so I can finish it off.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

working with working cloth


Guess I better get on that present, eh?
These were all shot cotton shirts that I got from various second hand places. I over dyed all of them in one of the last dye days this past summer.

there are sixteen beefy blocks that will be sashed in with a cream colored solid and then backed with that black and white check. Pretty and practical.

I'm hoping to get all the piecing done tonight so I can do the hand quilting during the week. I know, wishful thinking.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

every day is baby day

  You would think that an hour of so like this would free up the brain for things like reading or writing at the very least.  Not.

On the contrary, holding a sleeping baby in your lap is some kind of powerful sedative.  You can't fall asleep lest the little guy rolls away, but relaxation is total.

Charlie turned four months old on the first of the month and he has discovered the magic of vocal communication. He warbles, chuckles, chortles, laughs, and will scream himself purple for thirty seconds only to look into my face with wide eyes, grin like a fool as if to say "Psych Nana!" and then laugh himself to hiccups.

The cold that troubled him lightly for a day has kicked my ass for a full week.



Sunday, December 07, 2014

Lost Weekend

I don't know how I though I'd duck the cold that Jake and Charlie had early last week, such hubris. It fell on me like a starving lion late friday night. I was fine when I went to bed, but Saturday was a total loss given over to drugs and alcohol, the medicinal kind. I give the cold 24 hours.

Things started looking up with the mail delivery late Saturday. I snapped this up on Ebay cheap because I think others bidders were scared off.  No religious significance for me, but a key item for one of the protagonists in my book in progress.

This morning started with a blessing and reminder - Find beauty and take care of myself.  The full moon was setting in the west and the reflection in the pool was overlain with the reflection of the colored christmas lights in my office across the hall. I'll take the camera to bed with me tonight. I even worked in a wobbly mile at the park this afternoon. Healed, I am.

Friday, December 05, 2014

Screw the Critics

I loved it.

(Thank you Brendan. If it hadn't been for your incessant chatter on Facebook I would have missed this live presentation.  Somehow my brain trapped Sunday as viewing night and I'm so glad I only missed a few minutes)

 I think you had to be there live in 1960 to really appreciate this latest production. Live TV is such a novelty! At first,  I found myself thinking, and without being derisive, "this is SO GAY", but a few minutes in, I found the place in my heart and memory before that kind of judgement was possible and just let the thing take me where I needed to go, back in time....(more)