~done~

 

                                                  I voted today. I'm done.

A special thanks to Dee Mallon for this excellent post on coping, especially the link to James Carville's article on why Kamala Harris will win.   Take heart.

                                  

Adventures awry

 The day after I got back from New York, there was an email invitation to the Kamala Harris rally in Atlanta. Harris, Obama, Springsteen? Are you kidding me? I spent a half hour checking to see it was a scam. I pounced and rsvp'd. 

After several email exchanges, I almost felt the FBI rifling through my file. Then I got the exact address and the logistics for attending. It was on! Lots of rules including NO bags of any kind. No food or water. Here's me assuming we'd be provided for. A whole separate location for ADA pickup and entry. My walking stick was approved. It was a go! 

I left my car at a MARTA station and joined a long queue waiting for the buses to take us to the venue. The excitement, the solidarity was joyfully palpable. I was about to start meeting the angels.

Angel number One, so appropriately named Angela, my seatmate. Both of us have seen the campaigns of life. Both of us on sticks, our back, and hips trying their best to behave and let us have this day.

The weather was perfect. Small mercy. The bus let us off at the ADA entrance. We stood in another line that moved slower and slower. A staffer made her way down the line to warn us to take everything out of our pockets. It was slowing down security. With no bags, what else was there?  I had my car keys and my ID stashed in my bra. 

Samuel Jackson's limo rolled up and he poked his head out to say hey. 

Then things went sideways. Another staffer made her way back along the line to advise that the west side of the venue was full and the entrance would be closing. Hundreds of people were still in line. Crutches, canes, wheelchairs and caretakers. It looked like a pilgrimage to Lourdes. The only option was to walk back down to the road and hike about a half-mile back to the main gate where we, the halt, lame, and deranged, would be granted special access ahead of the hoi polloi. 

I was already low on gas, but Angela took my arm and said, "We got this." The woman literally saved my life, counting off a dozen steps at a time and then stopping for a breather. If it hadn't been for Angela, I would have lay down in the weeds and watched as the parade went by without me. 

True to the word passed, a young man met us at the gate and shepherded us to the last security checkpoint, airport style, wands and all. Secret service was serious. At this point, I was having trouble getting enough air and my legs were shaking. Another slow line and my vision started darkening around the edges. We were at the last set of stairs. Angela grabbed a cop, who called for EMS and I told her I was in the right hands and to go on without me. She was reluctant, but she pressed on.

I was quickly treated to Fulton County's finest care. EMTs did their thing. Gave me a big blue Gatorade to finish. I was dehydrated. My bad.  I left the house on only a cup of coffee and half a sandwich worried about if and when I'd have access to a bathroom. An EMT said he heard that all the time. Not an unreasonable concern.

I spent the next hour in a Cooling Station, a converted command vehicle. I could hear everything, but I wasn't really taking it in.

Then the second angel, the same young male staffer who got us through security came back to me and told me that the buses would be coming soon. 

I sat outside the cooler and watched the human parade oddly detached from the whole point of being there. There were hundreds of people just milling around outside. Apparently fire marshall put a cap on how many people could actually be admitted to the stadium which holds fifteen thousand. I was surprised to find that most of the people outside hadn't bothered to register. 

Young angel returned, took me by the arm, and whispered, "Let's get you a ride." He walked me down to the road where the buses were lumbering like elephants in a circus parade, pounded on the door of the first one sporting a Kensington Station sign, and asked the driver to let me board there instead of a half-mile down the road.  Goodbye, young angel. Thank you.

I climbed aboard and settled in for the long slow ride back to the station. Traffic was nearly frozen, blue lights strobing everywhere just to keep order. Another angel, our bus driver, cruised a full-sized school bus through a crowded parking lot dropping us off at our cars, one by one. 

A good time was had by all and I am a bit more cognizant of my limitations. 

Good to be home from home

This trip to NY was all about family. My brother should open a bed and breakfast—the kind where you feed yourself or go out and sleep as late as you want. I have to buy him a Mr.Coffee to tuck in the pantry for my next visit, but the little delis in the area are superb. 

The Bitches took their road trip to eat seafood seaside. Georges of Galilee did not disappoint. The weather was perfect, the beach was still crowded with people. Salt air and sunshine. 


We took in a frosty soccer game to watch my nephew play.

My turn to wander

 

Away awhile 

Ah, Friday.

 

This has been a hectic week that had a very sweet finish.

Before any of that, I'll be out of town next week. If you want threads or cloth and let me know ASAP, Monday will be my last crack at the post office until I get back.

It's been so long since I've traveled by plane that I've forgotten how to pack. New York in October can be boots or sandals and damned if I can decide. 

That sweetness? I picked Charlie up from school midday on Thursday and we had all day Friday together. I took him to math tutoring right after school and later that evening we spent an hour reading side by side, each of us lost in our own books. Reading aloud may have

slipped away with babyhood.

Friday morning, I introduced him to acrylic paints. Just playing with the medium and noticing how it's different than Crayola watercolors. What gesso and underpainting are about. How gel medium can change everything. Green and red still make mud. Talk about building your own canvases. Art school stuff.

He wanted to paint what jazz makes him feel. All morning. Then outside for the rest of the day because the weather is so perfect that the

mosquitos moved to Alabama.

A while back, I gave him my old Ipod, still loaded with "my" music. Everything from Little Anthony & the Imperials  the Eagles.  He found the missing charger and earbuds that worked I set the volume limiter. Such a clever little thing.

  All this while I struggled to get used to hearing aids. Finally.

Exuberance

 

   Each day starts with breathwork and meditation. Then I light up my phone to see if anyone has hurked on the carpet between my bed and the bathroom. No? Boo-yah! 

Stretching before walking. Resisting the temptation to burrow back into my bed. Someone tramples over my face in the dark. Get up. Eatzees. Now!

The miracle of coffee. Maybe a leftover slice of pizza. Food. 

While Florida comes under the hammer, and North Carolina is still reeling, we are having a spell of magical weather. I even ran all the dye tools through the dishwasher.  

A hangover from childhood. Being inside on a day like today was a sin. But since Camilla can't go out yet, we take what we can get. Soon. 

Instead of rebuilding the old railing on this deck. I'm researching Catios. With a cat-safe jungle and seating for me. That fake grass will have to go!

Charlie Monday

 

"Charlie Monday" used to be a regular feature on my FB feed but I've decided to keep it here, among family and friends. 

This was the day after the storm passed. I wish that perfect days like this had names. 

You could still smell the ocean in the air. 

Charlie was picking up windfall sticks in the backyard when I noticed they had a sweetgum tree with its miserable spikey seedpod balls everywhere. 

I showed him how the leaves smelled like candy when you mashed them up with your hands. I did not recommend eating them though. He's learning wood ways from his Dad. Camping, hiking, fishing, and such.

I'm bribing him to learn cursive. There was much moaning and groaning when we started with a lovely worksheet that the school sent home last summer. Just his first and last name. By the eighth repetition, he was getting into the groove of it. I ordered a workbook and offered to pay a dollar a page for well-completed work. When I go up on Thursday--they have early release for a short Fall Break--I'm bringing a fist full of singles. 

Anchors

I started this on Friday morning, the sixth day of Camilla's disappearance. I was going to use one of the pale stone threads. Keep it all in white, silver, and black. A memorial. 

Then I dug through my threads. No stone colors in the box. I jumped directly to the color of hope without any context. I had become numb and was looking forward to getting away. I picked Charlie up at school and spent the night with them.  

I blew through Costco on the way home. After a week of impotent anxiety and sleeplessness, it felt good to do something purposeful. Power shopping, not retail therapy. Less than a hundred bucks in less than twenty minutes. There's a win.

I was tired when I got home midday on Saturday. Lolled about. Fed my face. Camped in bed to just make the minutes pass with some mindless TV.  Waiting had become a hideous habit.

That's when Camilla appeared at the dish on the floor under the screen. Her back is dark grey, the carpeting dark blue, and the light was afternoon soft. I stared hard to feel what I was seeing and believe it.

 It's been a long time since this old body&soul felt such an unbidden thrill. I've banked it hard and now I need to take some time to review. I know there are more moments like this to haul out, dust off and experience again. 

I picked the stitching up this morning and the familiar moves brought a measure of comfort. I still didn't sleep well even though Camilla was on the bed with me, by my feet while Salem held down her IKEA pillow at the head of the bed to my right. Sometimes I miss the old California King.

Not everyone is thrilled about her being home. Salem clings and grumbles if Camilla camps too close to me. 

Maybe they adapt to change quicker, without the emotional baggage that we carry. 

I have been working my way through a long list of Things Adults Must Do. It sucks, but each accomplishment feels like a door opening to something new and good. 

I'm making room--headspace--to write. 

Goals are good.

Camilla is home!

 

There was a much needed washcloth bath, and a nap in the last sun of the day.

I have a lot to say about this. Maybe tomorrow. Right now? We eat joy.

Keep on trying - updated

 I have to work very hard at this. 

Astonished to find it right there, on the design wall with the spell. 

Can't take the cat hair off it right now.

Liz has generously shared her how-to:

the mood is dark

 

There are toxic vibrations here. 

A pool chemical plant thirty miles south of us burned. I smelled chlorine the minute I stepped outside, but I didn't realize how bad it was until I got out on the highway. 

"The EPA is monitoring air quality for chlorine and related compounds. Chemical levels are unlikely to cause harm to most people."I can't swim in public pools without risking pneumonia. I was leaving a law firm to drive home through this when a juicy migraine settled in.

I hurt my back the other day making a badly aimed sit. You've done it. Seat lower or softer than anticipated. I heard bones crunch and, unless I'm laying flat on my back, hard drugs are looking good. 

All this mess on top of the heartache. I drove and tramped the property Saturday and Sunday, as I could. Now I go from window to window, viewing all the places I normally see her. And here, right next to my stitching chair is where she spent most of her time. 

Camilla

 

We haven't seen her since early Saturday. A large chunk of our hearts is not where she's supposed to be. 

The Fart in a Mitten

 Early this morning Helene finally dragged her damp skirts over us.

I know there were tragic outcomes for some, but by the time the storm got here...the post title was my late Dad talking. 

I was up all night worrying mostly about falling trees, here in Danielsville and sixty miles southwest at home. Who's to say if worrying works? Being prepared is less wear and tear, but little of that is on me. 

By this afternoon, it was delightful out. You could still smell the ocean. 

Thanks everyone for the concern. All's well.

Waiting

 So far, it looks like we will be in the direct path of the hurricane. I've learned that there's no telling how much juice the storm will still have after it makes landfall and scrapes its way up the length of the state. 340 miles, give or take. Georgia is big. 

For my New York family, that's the same distance from the tip of Manhattan all the way up to the backside of Plattsburg. Spitting distance to Canada. 

All of this is an appeal to the 'verse that Helene blows herself out well before she gets to my neck of the woods. Gutter guards are in place, mostly. Hatches battened. 

Update: 

An early band of thunderstorms started right after lunch. This cat takes a perverse delight in going out, getting wet, then jumping into my bed to snuggle. 

 Madison County schools are closing early tomorrow and will not open on Friday. I'll be saddling up early tomorrow.

Subterfuge

Have you figured out yet that I am a most unreliable narrator? Shifty. Whim prone.

Ahead of the storm coming, I brought the dye shakers in for run through the dishwasher and just ordered a shitpot of yellow from ProChem. 

It could happen.

All these men in my life.  'Nuff said. 

Yesterday I had the rare privilege of bearing witness to talent. Can't help that it's Charlie. 

We were free-forming with a pile of Lego pieces drawn from the giant box with half a cubic yard of Lego in it, some of them were Colin and Jakes. 

I spoke to the computer and asked for some music. It gave up Paul Simon. Charlie was immediately attentive because he likes story songs and Paul Simon articulates his poetry. 

The kid started singing along to a song I'm pretty sure he's never heard. I'm just listening. We get to the verse:

“Sail on, silvergirl, sail on by, your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way”

And I get goosebumps because he's taken to the lower register of the harmony and was faking the words precisely in tune for the whole song. 

He's become involved in the chorus at school, so I said, "You know, the chorus teacher might ask you to sing alone in front of the class one day." If you've had the experience, you know how impactful it is. 

"So?" He shrugged and continued working on a croc-ship. The soul of blase. 

Next time I'll ask Alexa to play some Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Nate King Cole. Maybe he'll be ready by the time Michael Buble retires. 

I specialize in party boats and parade floats.

In the wind

 

~truth~

 This bundle arrived late yesterday. Thank you A!

I waited until first light to open it. Each piece is a treasure. There's even a huck towel. Those are always problematic because I love them so much that I have trouble using them once the colors come alive.

But this one and only shot made me face the fact that there won't be another dyefest this year. I ran out of summer. The itch has gone into hibernation. 

There were lots of wild boasts and good intentions. I even bought a new tub of soda ash the other day. There's a two thousand-yard cone of white DMC cotton safe in its plastic shroud. I know there's a shortfall in the dye inventory. I'm just not moved to dig in and make a list. The biggest, most important lack is the will to do it. 

My comfort cushion is that I have all the raw materials I need to make a thing, should that spirit move me. 

And there's plenty to go around. 

Recovery

Last night from my front stoop. I wanted to cross the street and ask the neighbor if she would turn off the lights inside her garage, but I didn't want to get shot. The cat posse was outside with me larking around in the grass chasing nightbugs and each other in the warm breezes. The skeeters took a pass and left me alone. Maybe I taste bad. 

 This is my third confirmed go-round with COVID-19. Each has been markedly different which stands to reason as the virus evolves. Comparatively, this one was lightweight. A solid week of juicy head cold and loss of taste and smell. But, as the days passed I realized that I might be experiencing a degree of brain fog. A quite useful state if you intend on meditating. Reaching nothingness is not easy for a normally busy, creative mind.

These days, it's been all too easy to slip into a state of too-stoned-to-move, staring off into space. I got mad about it yesterday and busied myself. Routine chores were the easiest. Laundry, dishes. Then I settled in to try pushing colors and shapes around. 

I went to ridiculous lengths with this. Pinning, basting, needle-turning - all rote activity. Without focusing on composition, a waste of time and energy. 

Nothing wasted cloth-wise, thank goodness. This has been dismembered and the bits stowed together for future consideration when my brain wanders back. 

Solid rest

 

I spent the entire day yesterday reading. At first, it was just a matter of not getting sucked into the TV news. Then, this book grabbed me like a sticky burr.

At first, it was a quirky and beautiful use of language. Then the characters grew flesh on their bones and the bow of the story they had been pulling back on launched.  Short, short chapters. One or two full pages and half of the flipside.

An unknown and compelling trajectory. 

Reading something this good raises hell with my writing.

    About 830 I decided I wasn't going to watch the debate. Live TV makes me anxious in history rooted ways. I was watching the live broadcast of Lee Harvey Oswald being brought somewhere when the man in the hat stuck a gun in his gut. 

    "Dad. Is this real?"

    "I'll be a son of a bitch if it ain't." I had become an old fourteen two days prior.

I was watching the Today show, live, when the second plane flew over Katie Couric's shoulder to smash into the tower where I still felt that I had neighbors. 

Then my sister called from the beach and said she was going to watch. Now I had to watch. And I'm so glad I did.

 I heard a pundit say that you could really learn about people by watching a televised debate with the sound off. Since I have to rely on closed captioning most of the time, it wasn't a stretch. 

I saw him, lurching. Rancid looking. Trying to puff himself bigger like a poisonous toad. 

Then I saw her, sleek and chic, the lead lioness of her pride, stride across the stage corner him, and mark him. I hope she wears hand lotion. Something slimey like Curel. And she was brilliantly sharp and sly. 

I sat on the edge of the bed just feet from the big screen with a hand towel that I thwacked the back of the desk chair with each time she burned him. If it was a drinking game, I'd be dead. The cats hid, bless them. When he spouted that pet eating nonsense I howled like a wild thing.

I wanted to see her leap to the top of her podium, heft a glittering spear and...I have a very violent turn of mind. 

When it was over, I couldn't find the remote so I saw something that many didn't Watching him wandering around in the Spin room looking for some MAGA hatted geeks to shout "USA" at him. 

There were none. He had no mic so he moved from one place to another seeking comfort. He looked like an old potzer angry because there was a long line for the Early Bird Special at Golden Corral and they made him stand outside. 

The men with their backs to him were security, but the ones facing him, eyes only half on their phones, wore looks of pity. Disgust. When a microphone could finally be found, he just kept making it worse. 

My sense of smell and taste came back. While I watched and raved, I ate a big piece of red velvet cake from Publix and licked the lid. I slept great. 

Also did a new reading for 9.11

The heal

 

First light in the studio is the best for stitching but it still hurts to wear my 2.50 cheaters for more than ten or fifteen minutes. 

I spent more time reexamining this silk trying to recall its provenance. 

I got Nothing, but that 'Wind Between the Ears' seems to be the hallmark of this particular brand of 'vid. 

Putting on shoes? Where do you think you are going?

Not far. Just the front yard for a little fresh air and sunshine. 

With high hopes, I dragged my writing bag and Chromebook along. Reread a few of my handwritten fever dreams and shut down any thoughts of getting any writing done. 

The cats patrolled the lawn. I closed my eyes and soaked up the vitamin D. 

With COVID, it's a pain how much home healing focuses on food and drink. 

Tea. Honey. Whiskey. Chicken soup. General Tso's. 

Colin made a batch of chili yesterday. 

I made a small burrito with some 'cause you gotta eat.

When I was a kid, I took a bite of a mud pie to trick my sister into doing the same. 

That's what the burrito tasted like. Dirt.

Make plans...

...and the 'Verse chuckles. 

Jumping Jack Flash was gassed, greased, aired-up, and cleaner than he's been since forever.

I knew the route. Where the first rest stop would be. They might have real maps there. The timing, the weather, the playlist - all in order. I'm a traveler even with a sneezing runny nose.

There was (and is) a story trajectory solid enough to make me itch to hold a pen, but notes in my phone would work. 

I was packed. Arrival time was adjusted based on a quick conversation with my sister about what they planned to do once they landed in Myrtle Beach. Rental car, shopping. My sisters love to shop as much as I hate it.

I was packed. 

At the last moment, I remembered a chicken breast in the fridge, defrosted and needing to be braised with the Blend - salt, black pepper, and garlic. Quick and dirty in a pan with butter, I was lucky I didn't cut myself razoring up that flesh. Second and third applications of spices. Why couldn't I smell it even though my head was open to the air like a drafty barn? So strange. 

Then I remembered. A quick trip to CVS and the test was positive for covid. 

My sisters are probably in the air right now. I hope everyone on their plane is well. I will see everyone in October. 

 

The week that wasn't

Jake sent me this the other morning. He leaves for work well before sunrise. Next time I stay over there, I need to stay up a lot later. Still, it warms my heart that my son looks up, sees this glory, and takes the time to share it. 

The second image was my view for most of Monday and Tuesday as I wallowed with a head cold. I listened to the noise from the TV when I wasn't sleeping.

Wednesday I was able to go about my business, not 100%, but well enough to start working down the list of Things To Do before a road trip. 

I was at the Grease Monkey getting an oil change when one of the techs took a phone call, then told his boss, "Gotta go. Something at the school." 

He pulled on his helmet and roared off on his rice rocket not knowing if his loved ones or neighbors' kids were dead, wounded, or alive. Jake works in Winder. The insanity nudges closer. 

                                                        ***

Later, I parked in the shade and was in the back seat getting a little misty-eyed as I wiped away pre-school-sized handprints from the windows. Jack Flash is a 2010 Honda Accord Coupe. There is barely room to hang my ass on the slippery leather back seat. Years worth of crummified McDonald's fries hid in the corners. 

The front passenger seat unlatches and rolls well forward, both doors were open to the fresh breezes. Music played from my phone through the hefty car speakers. I turned to consider my exit and somehow slipped off the seat onto the floor, ass first, my legs sticking out the door. 

    

I looked around for handholds and found nothing. I could see the blue sky and crossed my legs nonchalantly. Waggled my sandal in case anyone passing by might see me and be concerned that I was dead. 

Tried again to heave myself out of the hole. Not happening. Upper body strength (as opposed to lower body weight) has never been my forte. When the PE teacher showed us the rope that we were to climb, I walked out of the class and took a detention. Trees I could climb, ropes? Bitch, please. 

 

I took a moment to wipe sweat from my eyes with a Windex and grime-sodden paper towel. My personal terror, Claustrophobia, tried to make noise but I refused it any play. Panic is as self-indulgent as it is unproductive. 

I was able to reach my phone in its fancy new cup-holder cradle. Called Colin, who did not pick up even though I knew he was in the house. Messaged him, "Come out to the car. I need help." The worst-case scenario was calling 911. Firehouse 25 is five minutes away and only hires the hunkiest guys. I gathered my strength for a legit try at the new Olympic sport of hauling one's bacon out of the back seat of a Honda.

Before I could go for the gold, Colin appeared,  hand extended, a grim look on his face, shaking his head, almost ready to laugh. 

Both of them, their father's sons. 

Working updated

 

Labor Day. What else would I be doing? Most of my working life, I've worked for companies that offered their customers 24/7 service. 

Ma Bell, AT&T, and the whine mine I quit two years ago all paid double time for anyone stuck with or willing to work on major federal holidays. I thanked the union for that and jumped at the chance to make extra money. Did they think I was working for the fun of it?

This morning I worked in my own shop, posting all the rest of the Dirty Threads from the last big dyefest. All the cloth is in the scrap bin and a SALE is underway.

If you order by this Thursday, I will make the post office my last stop before I head to the beach for a week. 

These two cussposts--now stuffed fat with hand-dyed scraps-- are also on the block. I hope they don't start crying when I separate them. $30 each includes postage inside the US.

Ragweed pollen was wishful thinking. I have a first class head cold.