Wednesday, May 25, 2022

A heart of darkness


I frighten myself. I imagine I frighten a lot of you gentle souls. For that, I'm sorry. 

Like many, I couldn't sleep last night. Charlie has a little cold. An earache from swimming. Every time he coughed in the next room, I was reminded how being a parent, even a grandparent, is having your heart outside of your body for the rest of your life. In its place, I have a black hole full of lightning and lasers.
Awake, I kept imagining the terror in that classroom. Do you really think they all died instantly? There is no god that good.

If anyone says "thoughts and prayers" to my face, they may well experience the wrath of Kali.
When I did fall asleep, I imagined myself moving through the night with a machete in each hand. Finding the NRA puppets, one by one. Slashing. Laying waste. I have never been more furious at being an old woman.

All I have is my vote, and I did earlier in the day. What money I can spare will go to the Blue candidates who need it most.

Beto was magnificent today. And I can't wait for the 1/6 findings to be televised. The revolution WILL be televised. 

And over all of this, the sweetness of summer.


CJ said...

Ditto to every stitch of this! I'd so grab a machete with ya!💔 Beto was fricking awesome!

Liz A said...

I had hoped Beto would make a full-throated stand for banning assault weapons, was so glad he did what he did ... and thankful I get to vote for him in November

I have been in the classrooms, planning the protection of the children "in case the worst happens" ... guided kids into windowless spaces during intruder drills, hushing them ... sat at the desk in a high school library facing the doors, feeling like there was a target painted on my chest from 1999-2001 ... considered how to hide students and staff from an active shooter in a vast university library ...

there was an Indigo Girls lyric that guided me into teaching, as I compared myself to my teacher spouse:

"there must be a thousand things you would die for, I can hardly think of two"

to be a teacher is to be willing to die to save a child ... or better yet, to help save them from ever becoming a shooter themselves

Lainie said...

That gardenia! Sending love and solidarity.

Joanne S said...

Liz- I was thankful that my time in schools- mostly high schools- came before all this.
Came before people starting arming themselves with Guns Of War. I cried a lot yesterday.
Perhaps the children died quickly but the child next to them had to watch.

Deb Lacativa said...

Today I learned that the husband of one of the teachers who was murdered protecting the children had a fatal heart attack. They left behind four children of their own. Why was this too much for me?

I could not stop crying.

Nancy said...

Deb~ It was too much for me too. Sending love.

DHYANA said...

The cat !! The cat !!