The play

 

the work

There's much to do. . starting with re establishing lines of communication.

Coming out of shutdown is uncharted territory. 

Yesterday there was a big step. 

 

A week away

 

A week inside with rain every day has been a test. There are math practices and the latest CD of the Harry Potter saga. I've also introduced him to the Star Trek movie series. The first two were slow as dirt and haven't held up. We learned the expression "curtain chewing" as it applies to the art of acting.

Ms. Nibbler has recovered nicely from her spaying, and events at my house have confirmed that she will always be an indoors cat. Plans for a cat gym and some window ledges are on Charlie's drawing board.

He will be a middle schooler next year. We are both working on making math as fluid and painless as the other subjects he excels at. 

I'm heartbroken to report that there has been no news of Camilla.

I fear the worst and pray that nature was swift and merciful, releasing her gentle soul back into the sea of consciousness.

Thank you all for the love.

Mourning

 They mourn. Especially Bailey.  I'm glad and sad to be away for a while. 

summer moves on

 

Sometime in the past few days, the mailbox garden gardenia has exploded into bloom. In tribute? In memoriam? No, just nature doing its very best to persist. 

I had given up expecting any flowers at all. There were no buds in evidence. My eyes have been tired of looking for flashes of white in the distance. 

 This is the same bush still strung with solar Christmas lights, which cycle in a gentle fade from cool greens and blues to warm yellows and reds. Taking them down seems sacrilegious. 

Another perfect day is in the offing. Climate change may be dishing out mayhem in other places, but Georgia feels like some kind of ill-deserved Eden these days. I am grateful.

The green and quiet is good for me, so I'll take a chunk of that later. Pack my writer's bag as if I were heading for the high sierras. 

I've come to realize that just stitching is not enough for me right now. Attention to life- the doings- lifts my board and moves me forward. 

Self-care, cleaning, cooking, reading, writing, even organizing all the tax shit has been helpful. Finding a new primary care provider remains a quest. Having UHC feels like having an std. 

Years ago, I bought a beautiful cotton shirt on eBay. It was such a deal, such good quality, that I returned to the same seller and bought two more. White, navy, and Caribbean blue. 

They have been hanging in my closet for years, barely worn because the long sleeves rolled up to be secured by a clever tab and button that was uncomfortably bulky. 

Last night I lopped off a third of the sleeves, hemmed the raw edges with a nun's precision, then ran a row of stitches under each button placket to thwart gaping.  A whole new wardrobe. Time well spent.

Sometimes we ask too much of cloth and thread. 

somber days

Another day stretches out as I move from one view to the next, window to window, watching for Camilla. If I call her (Milla, milla) outside, I start to cry. This has happened on my watch. 

Salem joined me in the front yard yesterday. A perfect day, breezy, high 70s in the shade. A new bug repellent is working well, and a good book to take me away from the moment. Crook Manifesto by Colson Whitehead.

I did the math, and Salem is about fifteen and Bailey, ten. They still spar as they have always done, but they miss Camilla who is only three. Bailey's playmate, Salem's idiot child.  

Salem insists on being on the high deck even when it's too damn hot. She can see the whole backyard from there. Bailey patrols when he is not sleeping, more than usual. Me too.  I have to go to the vet today to get the monthly flea pills, and I know I will cry some more when I tell them that I will only need two doses instead of three.

This is the last photo I have of all three. It rained all weekend, and Camilla was bored and sick of being inside. Here she's making a pile of pies just before the weather broke, and she ducked out the cat door for some fresh air and freedom a week ago, Monday, around sunset. 

Apart from this sadness at home, I'm gearing up to spend some time with Charlie. As of today, he's done with 5th grade and I will be needed in the summer weeks to come. 

Of my three, Camilla is his favorite. I'm just not going to tell him anything for now. 

I would rather cling to hope than mourn.